By Vick Sacha
Man, just when you thought I was being a little harsh, the Masked Promoter storms in out of nowhere, leaving no asshole untainted. But, ya gotta admit that nails were hit right on their heads. Hopefully, those who the articles were directed at got the memo.
Edit: Though this was published around noon 7/9 and we didn’t post about it, I wanted to take that opportunity and just put out there that I write the way I do here because I am forced to write professionally for school, and it sucks, and this is my creative outlet. Sorry if it bugs anyone?
Right, onto my agenda! Unfortunately for you, our devoted readers, I am back, and I want to take a couple cracks at some of the craziest band names I’ve ever come across in my 10 or so years as a metalhead. Of course, as per usual, not everything will be covered, because there are just too many that made the list (I’m talking to you, The Tony Danza Tapdance Extravaganza). So, without further adieu, I would first like to introduce you to….
Paracoccidioidomicosisproctitissarcomucosis. Considering this Mexican grindcore trio has been around for almost 20 years, I think I’d be a little surprised at those who haven’t heard of them. According to The Metal Archives, their name combines paracoccidioidomycosis, proctitis, sarcoma and mucosa- medical terms that I’ve only heard two of. But then again, I’m not a doctor. I can hardly pronounce the first term they slapped into their band name and I certainly don’t have the attention span to try and figure out how to pronounce them altogether. Is this where you tell me that my metal card has been confiscated? Of course, this time around, I’m not going to tell you that the band sucks and that you shouldn’t waste your time on them. If you’re into bands like SikFuk, Waking the Cadaver, Torsofuck and Regurgitate, these guys are right up your alley.
Oh, right, their logo is pretty ridiculous as well. However, Paracoccidioidomicosisproctitissarcomucosis is just the tip of the iceberg.
Earlier this year, I caught wind of another incredibly long band name via Metal Injection. At first, I only saw part of the headline: “This Band’s Name Is Really…” and I was immediately suckered into clicking the link. Then I saw what the name was, and unlike Paracoccidio… this one isn’t in English (if you can say the medical terms are even English). Another grindcore band, this time from Belarus, calls themselves Eximperituserqethhzebibsiptugakkathsulweliarzaxulum. Go ahead, I challenge you to pronounce that.
But the excessive names don’t stop there. They released a demo in 2013 with just two songs titled ” Pierasiakajučy Swiatliennie J Zmrok Dziewiaci Miraŭ Spustašęnnia Čatyroch Wymiaręnniaŭ Času J Prastoru, Spiralliu Skroź Niewiadomuju Biaskoncasć Daliokaha Kosmasu Prazrystaje Sonca Wosieni Zachodzić U Zienit Astraĺnaj Prajekcyi Kručęnnia Transcęndęntaĺnych Staŭpoŭ Swojeasabliwasci Płoskasci Analizu Niepachisnasci Isciny” and “Pašyrajučy Spiektr Suzirannia Ękstrapaliarnaha Kantynuumu Praz Sakraĺnaje Admaŭliennie Tliennaje Ręčaisnasci Naciažęnnie Ęnierhietyčnych Niciej Pranizliwych Prastor Wakuumu Adukawanaha Zastoju, Skroź Pryzmu Časoŭ Dęmatęryalizuje Katęharyčny Impieratyŭ Jak Iliuzornaje Stwaręnnie Bačnasci Ruchu Pa Spirali Žyccia” respectively. Oh, and if you haven’t noticed, It’s all in one of those Eastern European Cyrillic languages. Russian maybe? Either way, good luck reading any of that shit.
I hate to break it to you, but it doesn’t stop there either. Metal Injection mentioned in that article that Eximperitus… would be releasing a full length later this year and that its album artwork had been released:
Now, let’s be reasonable here. That artwork is sik as fuk (see what I did there?). But do you see that arc of squiggly rune-looking things over the Egyptian god’s head? That’s the title of the album, because fuck that self titled nonsense. And since I know you’re dying to know what the title actually is, its…. “Prajecyrujučy Sinhuliarnaje Wypramieńwańnie Daktryny Absaliutnaha J Usiopahłynaĺnaha Zła Skroź Šaścihrannuju Pryzmu Sîn-Ahhī-Erība Na Hipierpawierchniu Zadyjakaĺnaha Kaŭčęha Zasnawaĺnikaŭ Kosmatęchničnaha Ordęna Palieakantakta, Najstaražytnyja Ipastasi Dawosiewych Cywilizacyj Prywodziać U Ruch Ręzanansny Transfarmatar Časowapadobnaj Biaskoncaści Budučyni U Ćwiardyniach Absierwatoryi Nwn-Hu-Kek-Amon, Uwasabliajučy Ŭ Ęfirnuju Matęryju Prach Ałulima Na Zachad Ad Ękzapłaniety PSRB 1620-26b.”
Of course, there are translations out there, but I’m not here to do ALL the work for you and I can’t imagine that any of my readers are that interested in it. In case you are, my good friends at Google will be happy to help you out. Musically, they’re for people who want a little more production with their grindcore.
Now, I just want to remind everyone that this is (or was) strictly about band names. Eximperitus just had a couple extra bonuses. The last band I want to at least mention a little has topped most “Ridiculous Band Names” lists, and it’s pretty clear why. Simply, this last grindcore band from Finland is called 55gore. Their WHOLE name is Intracerebrally Consuming Cephalalgia Through The Cranium Macerating Debrisfucked Manure Ingested Remains Of The Mindfucked Cataplexic Wicked Mankind Whom Fistfucked The Progenies From The Deepest Depths Of The Analmaggot Raped Human Pieces Of Erotic Shitmasses Which Gave Birth To Worthless Eunuchs As Travesty For Cumstained Whorefaced Sluts Enslaved By This Stupid Society Full Of Fetal Garbages. Holy fucking mother of Odin that is a goddamn mouthful.
To top them off, their logo tops all “Unreadable Band Logos” lists every single time. I mean, look at this shit!
And that shit is in English!
So, let’s be a little realistic here. Do you know anyone who calls any of these bands by their whole names? Where’s the practicality in that? What’s even the point? Other than topping the last band who was given the honor of having the longest band name. Even bands with less wordiness to their names are usually cut down to something simple (I’m still looking at you, The Tony Danza Tapdance Extravaganza). Oh, and have you noticed the grindcore trend here? It could just be me, but I think I’m on to something.
So, thus, through my semi-legitimate train of logic, I can only say that band names like the above are solely for grabbing attention and serve no other purpose. But I guess that’s not so bad for them, right? Everyone deserves their 15 minutes of fame, and maybe even then some.
So, now I’ve got to ask- how’d you like it? Or did you think it sucked? As always, all comments and feedback are welcome here or on The Metal’s Facebook. Got something you might want to see us write about? Let us know! We’d love to tangent about things you want to read about.
UP NEXT ON THE METAL CHANNEL: Something that has to do with pirates, wrestling, video games, and maybe some kind of combination of the three. But I’ll never tell! You’ll just have to stay tuned to find out! Thanks for the read!