The Joke is on Us: Bryan Parker Finally Opens Up

Intro by Vick Sacha; Interview by Mike Deitzman

When “the Mikes” told me that we finally scored an interview with Broadway Joe’s owner, Bryan Parker, I was ecstatic, because we would finally get some details about what’s going on with the venue since the city shut it down earlier this year. If you give any kind of fucks about the local scene, Broadway Joe’s is a huge staple, especially since most other venues/promoters won’t book metal shows unless they’re bound to rake in a ton of cash (I’m looking at YOU, AfterDark).

And then I actually read the interview. At first I questioned its legitimacy, and then I saw the screenshots. Please keep in mind that Parker’s answers to Mike’s questions have not been edited or fabricated in any way.

April Fools Day aside, the complete lack of seriousness and professionalism over six simple questions not only bugs me, but it scares me. I’d love to continue, but this could stretch on forever and you’ll never read the interview. So, without further adieu, Mr. Deitzman..

In our neverending quest for real (ish) journalism. We finally were able to track down the elusive Bryan Parker, and talked him into giving us an exclusive interview.

The Metal: can you talk a little about your background, what brought you to purchase Broadway Joe’s, and why?

Bryan Parker: I was talking to my friend at Bjoes who was bartending and during a bad acid trip he told me the place was for sale and for some reason, I thought that would be a good idea.

The Metal: what exactly happened, that caused Broadway Joe’s to get shut down?

Bryan Parker: It was a plot from the Far Left. They see me as an outspoken revolutionary and hatched a plot to shut me down, also, its because I’m white

The Metal: what’s been happening since the initial shutdown? What’s up with these crazy renovations we keep hearing about?

Bryan Parker: I have been talking to all my militia friends about helping me reopen. It was going good for a while til thy just kept coming back to the  take over City Hall thing. No violence man, that’s just bad juju.

The Metal: Who’s been helping you renovate and what can we expect to be different once you reopen?

Bryan Parker:  I have this amazing band of travelling hobo contractors. They have been great at tearing the place up.  It was a little weird to see them shower in the toilets once we got the bathrooms back up and running, but hey, it’s who they are.

The Metal: There’s been talk of reopening in April. Is that still a go, or no? If not, what’s holding it back?

Bryan Parker: Yea, we reopened today. The first act we booked is a killer black metal polka band called Solidarnosc. They promise to be the best black metal polka band we have ever booked. I’m pretty excited.

The Metal: anything else you want to say to anyone reading this?

Bryan Parker: Yeah, I’d like to say to all my haters out there, that I still love every one of you, peace and love, man. To those who’ve been in my corner since day one: You’re The Best! But, please stop stalking me! Now I gotta take a break here, and visit my buddy Jim Beam. He’s the best.
The Metal: Uhh, thank you for your time, Bryan… I guess.
We’re not writing an ending to this.
The End.

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