The 2016 Metal Awards!

Vick and I got together and talked about some categories and those best suited to win them. There are no nominees. There is no voting. There is only…this:

  • Here are the winners (that’s right, plural), for BEST HAIR in the Buffalo/Rochester metal scene for 2016:
  • Moving on, here are your winners for CUTEST BOY AND CUTEST GIRL IN THE SCENE 2016. In a shocking turn of events, they are in fact the same person:
  • Warmed up, yet? We’re just getting started. We spent a great deal of time sifting through show photos, searching for the perfect set of abs. Boy, did we ever luck out…

Here is your winner for BEST ABS IN THE SCENE 2016:

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Grant Emeigh (Dredneks), without question, has the most attractive washboard abs we’ve ever fucking seen! Bow down! Bow down!

  • Ready to talk spiffiest guitars? One immediately came to mind in all its glory, missing headstock and all. Have others that need recognition? Please comment with some photos…but for now…Devin Dewyer from Dredneks takes this one. He’s your winner for SPIFFIEST GUITAR IN THE SCENE 2016:

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  • How about Happiest Metalhead? I doubt any of you in the know will have trouble figuring this out. Meet Eareckson Murray (Arcaenium, Cain, Rebel Scum)…your winner for HAPPIEST METALHEAD IN THE SCENE 2016 (and probably every year to come):

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  • While we’re at it, we thought you’d be interested in knowing who won BEST POT STIRRER IN THE SCENE 2016…

We’ll start this one off right. Here to introduce the victor is Bette Midler, from the movie Hocus Pocus. Here she is, stirring her own cast iron cauldron in this classic film…

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“Wow, guys! Thanks for having me! It’s a pleasure to be here! The winner of the 2016 POT STIRRER OF THE YEAR AWARD goes to Thom Bieler from I’m From the Government and I’m Here to Help. Without Thom, guilt tripping and political correctness would be running a muck in our society and we want to thank him for always giving the world what it needs…HARD TRUTH!”

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  • And now it’s time for the loud portion of the event. Here to introduce the winner of the BEST POWER METAL SCREAM IN THE SCENE 2016 AWARD is Hansi Kursch from Blind Guardian:

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“As always, it’s a pleasure to be here on The Metal. Thanks for having me back. This year’s winner of the BEST POWER METAL SCREAM IN THE SCENE 2016 AWARD goes to Joe Tonaus. Without Joe, there would be too many awkward silences at shows. Thanks, Joe!”

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  • There are a lot of professional merch spreads out there at shows, but nobody does it quite like CIRCUS GRENADE. They’re your winner for the BEST MERCH SPREAD IN THE SCENE 2016 AWARD!

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  • Last, but not least…no, don’t worry…we didn’t forget…There’s just one little problem. We’ve got a 4 way tie for the BEST CORPSE PAINT IN THE SCENE 2016 AWARD. There’s only one way to settle this…all 4 members of Hubris are going to have to arm wrestle for it. But seriously folks, does anyone honestly do black metal better in this city?

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  • We also found it extremely difficult to narrow down a single winner for the BEST BEARD IN THE SCENE 2016 AWARD, so we pulled together another crop of standout individuals. Here are your winners:
  • And finally, last but certainly not least, we proudly present the award for BEST LOCAL METAL WEBZINE IN THE SCENE 2016! The winners are…

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DISCLAIMER: Obviously, this article was 100 percent satirical, but we do plan on doing an ACTUAL “The Metal Awards” soon, involving many of the great metal musicians in the Buffalo/ Rochester area. There will be many categories, polls, places for discussion, physical awards, and plans for a showcase/party (we’re not sure yet) involving the winners. We want you (the scene) to vote for your favorites in metal and set us up for a huge get together in the spring of 2017. Thanks for checking this out and bearing with our collective sense of humor! Stay tuned for the REAL awards article. \m/

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